Friday, July 23, 2010

My Personal Prayer

Heal me please.
Oh please ease a little pain.
Oh Lord take away my torments
dress my mortal wounds.
My heart greaves me so
ripped apart by so many.
I am open. I am torn.
I hurt deep down inside.
My belly retches, an sick
Oh Please ease this – this burden
for I cannot carry it all.
I am drowning underneath it.
Oh Lord grant me please if nothing
else strength to bear it all
so that I not cower
under it all.

Grant me love.
Oh Lord please
grant me……wholeness.
I want to be whole.

written: Oct. 11. 1999

I Terror

I startle at unexpected sounds.
Quick unknown movements race my heart.
I never feel safe.

I watch everyone. Everyone is a danger
to me. I don’t know who they are.
I want to be left alone. I want to be safe.

Safe was innocence long ago.
I am not safe.
Someone is out there
who wants to me harm again.
He is out there waiting, as I wait
inside – in the dark, with the unexpected
sounds and the sudden movement of shadows.

I don’t dream, I nightmare.
I live in perpetual terror.

Somewhere he is out there – waiting.
I terror.

 

Written: Nov. 2. 1999

After the Police Left.

In the hidden darkness
awaits,
a pain
I’m afraid to face.

I hear it scream,
and scream and scream.

Primal. Horrified.
It screams on.

In the dark, there is no
silence.
In silence the darkness awaits.

I am chilled, frozen still
as  I hear the horror.

It awaits me in the dark,
in the day, in the quiet,
in the noise; it waits.

It is so cold.
I am screaming.

 

Written: Oct 11. 1999

Sunday, July 18, 2010

It’s just a little scribble.

On June 25th, 2010,

A cold sun has risen in summer
and my heart is frozen with fear.

So soon,
I will be leaving.
soon you will be a
distant memory.

Tossed I am on stormy seas
yet I feel not the waves
nor hear the roar of wind.

Will you miss me?
like I have missed you?
will you think of me,
dream of me.

Rainbows fill the sky
yet all I see is gray stripes.
I feel no sweetness, no joy.
no heat, no cold.

Today I decided to leave you.
Today I decided I was done.

How do black clouds exist
with a cold summer sun?

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Inescapable Love

May we be friends in the end
anything less is unbearable.

I’m still a romantic fool
to be so in love with you.
Still wishing that I had just
one last kiss goodbye.

Never will I forget
your arms wrapped around me.
Wishing I could stay in your embrace forever.
Wishing I never had to let you go.

This misery is mine to keep.
Your heart was never mine.
Tragedy mares my life and yours.
Each other’s pain of equal depth.

My soul sings to you,
a sirens' song,
irresistible
as before in ages long past.

Am I willing to be a part
of this your life?
Am I willing to set aside my pride?

What a miserable set of choices
before me; to go on painfully as before,
or lock and wall up my very soul
as a balm against this tragedy.

If I run, it is still there, hidden.
If I stay, it cannot be prevented.
Was the choice ever really mine to make?
How much more can I bear?

No matter what the sands of time brings
May we be friends till the end
for nothing less than that
I can bear.

I still love you and always have.
Love is eternal.

The unattainable Man

He has kissed my soft lips
He has touched the depths
of my soul.
He is unattainable.

Pain crosses my eyes
and he sees -
exactly how I feel.
He is unattainable.

We made love,
such unbelievable love,
on a clear moon-lit night.
He is unattainable.

He belongs to someone else,
not to I.
oh how I would wish.
He is unattainable.

I love him so.

written February 10 1997

He walks beside me

I am beside you
as you walk
down that
path you
choose so
long ago.

I am here to catch you
when you fall
on that
path you
choose so
long ago.

I am here to guide you
on the path you
should have
chosen when you
chose that
path so
long ago.

I am here for you.

Written January 16 1997

The Knight at Night

The moon shines brightly over my knight
with his sweet kisses, I feel his might.

I wish and wail but all to no gain,
as I hold the night, I feel pain,

He comes; he goes and I am only his.
I come and I go, yet he is his own.

A lone wolf, that travels at night
is a lover that doesn’t stray,

so I am shunned when
my knight doesn’t stay.

Oh, how so much I loved
when the lone wolf of a lover
was mine during the night.

Written; March 1994

Sweets

Slick smoothes of
satin sheets,
all surrounding with
surrendering pleasure.

One, two, withering
around,
twirling each other’s
sweets.

A marching rhythm
forms,
and with each puff,
huff,
and scream,

they slide against
each other.

Mixing sweat and love.

Those pleasures few and
far between,
each enjoying
sweets.

Written: 1993

Modern Intelligencey

Electrified, stupefied,
in all this jagged metal
concrete, convenience food.
like a super K-mart
mall, shopping by mail
world.

TV convenience, watch it all
day all night all day all night
drain the intelligencey
lost the will to life
another cheese doodle
to the berry satin slick
covered lips.

Never seen an animal, call your
brother gorilla, never seen one
so much snow, white wonderland
frozen – is that pizza done
yes. No comprehension of
starvation, pop a hot pocket
in the microwave, believes
in food. food. food. food.
Ring…..is it hot enough?

Tinkle of shredded metal on
concrete, white bloody screams
in air, is this another
Heavy Metal concert? Oh, it’s
another blasted, planted
who owns it, pipe bomb.
it’s nothing, no fun.

It looks like a movie set
twisted bodies, twisted souls
let’s go to the soda shop-
God knows what happened – gone
crazy today, hey there’s
blood on my Nikes, who
ruined them? Kick that
bloody hand, it put blood on
that Nike, ruined. ruined. ruined.

Twisted, scared, broken metal, like
the soul black, shredded,
shriveled, a glop – are you going
to the mall – cool I’ll go too -
Never will see the way
out of this crapy K-Mart World.

written: January 17 1997

Bonsai

Eroticism, sweet movement
composed,
defining flowing forms.

Clusters reaching out
touching,
God’s air in-branched.

Art of life,
death
composed in-pot.

Entranced by nature,
stunted
by man’s ideas.

written: December 10 1996

Twilight

Autumn’s fall leaves
drifting to the ground
and stately trees
bend down in frown.

And so the Journey begins
of leaves, colors and seasons
so the life slowly dims
and completely clouds reason.

The grove so beautiful sees
autumns gray wake drowning
displacing in things of threes
it’s heartbeat pounding.

The pulse beating, again
waiting as spring freeing
life inbound our friend
autumn's touch of leaves.

written: November 13 1996

Shades of Gray

Dark grayness washes over and consumes. The mist settles over the world, extinguishing life; humanity.

The grayness of the human mind uncolors everything, altering purposes, changing valued principals and destroying.

Gray and shades of gray everywhere, like an unwanted mist settles down on everything, blanketing out beautiful colors and jumbles of life, choked out the redwoods and daisies.

Reducing even the brightest colors to just another Shade of Gray,
and Grayness to all.

Hail Gray!

written: October 18 1996

Survivor of a War

The wounds of my heart
bleed not anymore
and
The breath of my soul
breathes on.

The urn that holds my heart
shines no more, at all.

Shattered, uncontrollably destroyed
by a ruthless wolf
portraying love: in love forever…
Never!

Billions of ashes lay in that urn,
that shines no more,
and the breath of my soul
breaths on.

And in the place where the old heart
used to beat,
a new stronger heart
beats now
maybe forevermore.

written: Sept 30 1996

Observations

Sweet tender moments,
a child’s youthful years,
fly away to neverlands
drifting into memories
reborn by the sparks
of campfires and marshmallows
of their own youthful prodigies.

written:
September 13 1996

My thrill is nature’s raw power….

My thrill is nature’s raw power.
Her beauty, Her lust, Her unexpected
nature.
Rainbows and showers excite me.
Thunderstorms and lighting shows
comfort me.
Strong pounding surf, hot dry sand
all surrounds me in Her lust.
Nature’s luscious body excites my soul.
The curves are lines is all I see.
The tall green covered mountains,
long while waterfalls and black beaches
stuns me with it’s grace.
Smooth white sand, clear wide water
with coral reefs filled with bountiful life
entrance me and holds me still.
Always changing, Her thrill is mine.
Tornadoes, hurricanes, big strong
thunderstorms filled with
striking blue lighting are my thrills.
Mudslides, floods and earthquakes are
neat yet I think just the
unexpected is the greatest thrill
She offers all.

written: September 6 1996

Ode to Christian

Life.
Precious, Life is.
So tender, a young child
The miracle of life
Rests in God’s Hands

Young Child, precious life.
Grow strong with life
Grow strong with God

Your parents pray to God
”Please Guide him to Your love.”

I had lost my own child.
You gave me the chance
to see the miracle
Grow. As you.

I hope the best for you.
I need to see life.
Grow around me.

You gave me life again.
I see as I once saw.

Life, precious as it is
So tender, a young child
The gifts of God.

Written: Feb 24 1995 dedicated to my girlfriend's first born son.

What I could tell you of Pain!

I stood between two men,
(truth and illusion,
and I had not know it
)
and had to choose
which to love or not.

I saw before me
what the future could be
and what it was!

With tow distinctly different people,
I had two chances to change,

My future.

I fought against my own heart,
I tore myself between the two
(illusion and truth,
because I could not see it
.)

There’s no road between, I thought.
What could I tell you of Pain?

My pain bound myself to love,
bound myself (falsely) to someone.

(Had I only known my own
deceitfulness
.)

Pain I felt,
The hands that break and broke.
The bonds that are broken.
Fate’s own hands at play!
With Me!

What could I tell you of Pain!
It hurts!

The heart cries.
The heart breaks.
And, Yet there is only one way to heal.
How?

Time passed, and saw me a little,
Time went on and my heart is
still broken…

Now I see…
Time can not heal
(without….)

My Pain was endless.

He had walked right out the door.
And I thought True Love had
passed me by; (again?!)
I wish it had never touched Me!

At the hand of fate, I was.
”Deal with me kindly.”

Only if I could see what was
and was meant to be, maybe I
could understand….
My Pain.

Endless it felt when no end
was in sight.

(But I learned something
very special,

of things of threes.

Love, Pain and Hope.

All followed each other
where ever they may go
.)

I hadn’t recognized the
Romance
in my heart until…
I felt Pain!

written: April 5 1996 as a composite of four poems that were written on Nov 17 1993.